


i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)

by Niki



Series: and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Mass Effect 2 AU, Soul Bond, Trope Bingo Round 3
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-30
Updated: 2014-04-19
Packaged: 2018-01-17 13:52:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1390111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niki/pseuds/Niki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So what is so special about their bond?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Trope Bingo square: Telepathy/mind meld
> 
> I've had to change the order of some things to make the storyline work better.
> 
> Story title from e e cummings' poem.

“I'm not leaving you!” Kaidan shouted over the sounds of the attack.

“Get everyone off this ship, Kaidan! Please! I'm going to get that idiot Joker, and I need you safe, first.”

_You'll be with me, all the way, I promise. Now go._

Kaidan rested his helmeted forehead against John's helmet for a moment in imitation of their favoured pose to trigger the closer version of the bond, then tore himself away and started herding the crew to the evacuation shuttles.

There was nothing to do inside but follow John's route, look at the devastation through his eyes, and... no.

_JOHN!_

_My air's leaking out! Kaidan... Oh, love, I wanted more time with you._

_John, don't you dare die, no nononono._

_Kaidan, Kaidan, I only have a moment left, please..._

Desperately, Kaidan concentrated on his love, the best of his memories, conjured an image of them, lying together on their bed on the Normandy, ship's night peaceful around them, and tried to shield John from the tears rolling down his face.

“Kaidan, what is it?” Liara's voice, from somewhere far, but he couldn't listen to that now. He only had seconds to say goodbye.

_Goodbye, love. Sleep well. I will follow you soon._

_No! NO, Kaidan, you can't... I can't..._

_Didn't mean to say that aloud. It's okay, John. Thank you. Thank you, for this, for everything. I love you. I loved you when I met you and I'll love you until I die._

_Far, far away in the future..._

_Yes. No pain, darling, just close your eyes and you'll be in my arms. Safe._

_Love yo..._


	2. Chapter 2

“Wake up, Commander. This facility is under attack.”

It was confusing as hell, waking up in a strange place, surrounded by attacking mechs and strangers, when his last memory was... was dying, with Kaidan's mind surrounding his own. 

Now there was only blackness where the other man should be. The bond was still there, but not like when the other man was asleep. It was deeper, like... unconsciousness maybe? Not dead. Not dead. It wouldn't feel like that. And if him... dying? hadn't severed the bond...

_Kaidan?_ He couldn't help but try calling for the other man, even while fighting his way off the... Cerberus facility? 

_Love? Are you there? Can you wake up?_

“No! I'm not going anywhere until I get some answers.”

The dark-haired woman in an improbably tight white catsuit gave him answers but not the ones he wanted to hear. Two years? He died? And was brought back? She – and the dark man with her, Jacob – deflected all his attempts to ask about his crew or the Alliance, only telling him to talk to their mysterious leader. 

\- - -

The Illusive Man proved equally cagey in his answers, even though he appeared to answer them to the best of his abilities. Garrus had disappeared, Tali was back with her people, Wrex was back with his people, Liara was on Illium, and Kaidan was with the Alliance, and they weren't telling where. 

Most likely he was okay, and the silence on the other side of the bond was a side-effect of him dying. Maybe the bond had been damaged instead of breaking. He would contact Anderson, who was apparently the human Council member.

Then the Illusive Man told him about the Cerberus' work on the missing human colonies, and damn but that seemed important, too. But why weren't the Alliance and the Council doing something if the problem was as widespread as that? 

Seeing Joker was good, if weird. The idea that the pilot had left the Alliance, just like that, and joined a shady humans first organisation just because they let him fly? When he saw the rebuilt Normandy he had to admit that the argument for was compelling, but still. Was the Alliance so different than it had been two years ago that all these people had just... left? 

\- - -

As soon as he could he directed his new ship towards the Citadel. His first priority was to see Anderson, to hear his side of things. He had secondary goals, true, people Cerberus wanted him to recruit, and an old friend to pick up. Doctor Chakwas, it seemed, had also decided to leave the Alliance for a job on the Normandy, and this he had to hear. Hadn't she told him only two years ago that working on Alliance soldiers was the only way she could imagine practising medicine? That she'd feel like she was abandoning the soldiers she was caring for if she left?

And maybe he would pick up some fish for that damn fish tank in the captain's quarters. Maybe the room wouldn't feel so empty then.

\- - -

Anderson didn't look as happy to see him as he'd hoped. But he did explain the official position on the colony disappearances: they weren't doing a damn thing. Or if they were, it was something he didn't feel he could talk about with a Cerberus operative. No matter how much Shepard tried to explain that his very attitude was forcing Shepard to stay and use the Cerberus resources to look into the damn thing.

“Where's Kaidan Alenko?” he asked after the official part of his visit was over, and Anderson and the rest of the Council had reinstated his Spectre status as an unofficial offer of help. 

(To tell the truth, Shepard was a little surprised that a little thing like missing in action, presumed dead, was a good enough reason to revoke the status in the first place. One would think that with the long-living species like the asari or the secretive spy kind like the salarians, operatives returning from apparent death wasn't that rare an occurrence.)

“You know I cannot reveal the positions of active members of the Alliance to a civilian. Especially one working for Cerberus.”

Shepard closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and opened them to meet Anderson's gaze. “I wish to file the paperwork formalising my bond with Kaidan as a marriage, as recognised in the biotic servicemen act. As his husband, I will have the right to be informed of his posting and status, even if the details of his deployment are secret.”

Anderson didn't show any reaction on his face. “If you are bonded, shouldn't you be able to contact him on your own?”

“I've tried!” Shepard let his desperation show. “There is only darkness where he should be. I mean, he's _there_ , he's alive, but I can't...”

That made an indecipherable expression appear on the older man's face. “He's alive?”

“Yes.”

“Good.” Anderson sighed. “We knew about the bond,” he admitted tiredly. “When you... died, as we thought, he lost consciousness. Doctor Chakwas could find no physical reason for it, and when Doctor T'Soni tried to reach his mind...”

“She discovered the bonding.”

“Yes. You should have reported it, you know.”

“We were a bit busy saving the world at the time. What happened?”

“Well, as he couldn't be revived, he was placed on a facility equipped for long term care...”

“Where is he?”

“He disappeared, almost a year ago. The computers following his status didn't report any changes, so it is unlikely he left on his own. We couldn't determine who would want to kidnap him but as there was no body, he is still officially listed as missing.”

“Thank you for telling me,” Shepard got out, having a very clear hunch on who might want to kidnap him. Anderson's story even gave him a pretty clear idea as to why.

“Shepard... good luck.”

“Thanks.”

Screw Cerberus business, he was going to go meet Chakwas right away.

\- - -

“I didn't know bonds could behave that way,” Shepard said after they had cleared the greetings in record time and he had steered the conversation to the most pressing matter.

“Neither did we,” Chakwas said, dryly. “There has been no record of a death of a bondmate causing any physical reactions. Emotional and psychological effects are always great as you can imagine, but this? Nothing like it. But you say he is alive?”

“Just unconscious as far as I can tell.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I am going to find him. I mean, I am still going to investigate the missing colonists, no fear, and hop through all the hoops the Cerberus wants me to, welcome on board and all that – but I am going to find him.”

_Because I can't do this on my own anymore._


	3. Chapter 3

“Miranda, I want the truth,” Shepard said, storming her office the first thing when returning on board the Normandy.

“About?”

“About my bondmate. I know you have him. I know you needed him.”

“We couldn't bring you back,” Miranda said, sounding as defeated as he had ever heard her. “Your body was alive, as was your brain but... We arranged for an asari to make contact and she told us you were suffering from a severed soul bond, as they call it. We didn't even know you had bonded! After that it was easy enough to find...”

“Kaidan.”

“Yes. It turns out your bonding wasn't quite... regular. He blacked out the moment you died and went into coma, brain activity at minimum.”

_Kaidan._

“It seems your brains... rewrote themselves to co-exist completely. Neither one of you can outlive the other. Luckily for us, they kept his body alive even if he had no brain activity.”

_Kaidan._

“We retrieved his body from the facility he was kept in and brought him in. When your bodies came in physical contact your bond flared back to life, spontaneously, and you both showed brain activity again. Just like that.”

“Where is he now?”

“Safe.”

“Miranda...”

“ _Safe_ ,” she repeated, decisively, and Shepard knew a brick wall when he encountered one. 

\- - -

When the Illusive Man contacted him about another possible crew member he addressed the issue, although even he couldn't be optimistic about his chances of getting a straight answer out of the Evasive Man.

“As soon as we learned of the liability that is your bond we took steps to ensure your safety.”

“Meaning?”

“Lieutenant Alenko is kept safe.”

“Where?”

“You do not need to know that. Your mission is important, we cannot let this interfere with that. Lieutenant Alenko is being kept alive, and safe, so that his life cannot risk yours.”

“He is kept unconscious.”

The Illusive man merely looked at him enquiringly.

“There is a black nothingness in my mind where he is, where he should be. I cannot function without his presence in my mind. It's like a missing limb.”

“You went for years without that limb. It will not hinder you know.”

\- - -

“If you know _anything_ , Miranda... There's this emptiness in my mind where he should be.”

“I'm sorry, Shepard.” The kicker was, she really did sound sorry.

“Can you even tell me what 'safe' means? He's unconscious. All the time.”

“When Lieutenant Alenko woke up... he fought us. He killed a lab technician, and wounded others.”

“What did you expect?”

“We were just happy it worked and your brain was back on line.”

“Of course.”

\- - - 

Shepard worked with the mission priorities until he could justify a visit to Illium and Liara.

She was... a shock. The awkward archaeologist had been replaced by a cold information broker, and again Shepard felt like he had woken up in an alternative reality. She seemed preoccupied by her mission, but took a break to tell him about what happened the day he died.

“I was in the evac shuttle with him,” she explained quietly. “Suddenly he started crying, and he wouldn't respond to me, and I couldn't get him to react, and then... then he screamed your name like he was dying, and... blacked out.”

“Go on.”

“Chakwas couldn't find anything wrong with him, physically, so I... I made contact and discovered...”

“The bond.”

“Or the lack of it. We didn't even know you were bonded.”

“It was new. We didn't know it was going to work like that.”

“No one would have. There have been no recorded cases like yours. Trust me, I've looked.”

“Then what happened?”

“We got him on life support, and there he remained until... he disappeared.”

“Cerberus got him.”

“No wonder I couldn't find anything.”

“They needed him to bring me back, so they reattached the bond, and now... I don't know where he is. But he is unconscious, all the time. There is only the darkness where he is, and I can't get through to him.”

“Maybe they have put him back in coma. It would keep him alive but out of their way.”

“They just keep saying they need to keep him safe so that his health doesn't threaten mine. I can't... Liara, it was only a few weeks... but I feel like I'm not me anymore without him.”

“It must be... joining with someone is an incredibly intimate thing for us. To have something like that, all the time... It must be overwhelming.”

“Overwhelming, yes. But good. So good, Liara...”

_I'll find you, love. I promise._


	4. Chapter 4

Shepard did his job, he ran around the galaxy recruiting help, he collected clues as to the Collectors' mission, he helped the Alliance and Hackett when he could. But he was like a machine, like a zombie. An integral part of him was missing, and he could feel the gnawing lack every second he was awake. 

Sometimes, in sleep, he felt like he made contact, heard the beloved mind voice, exchanged feelings, but when he was awake there was nothing.

No one knew anything, no one told him anything. Still he kept trying, because the alternative was unthinkable.

\- - -

“Kasumi, I have a favour to ask...”

\- - -

“Tali, if there is anything you can find in the systems...”

\- - -

“Miranda, please.”

\- - - 

“EDI... do you know the location of Lieutenant Alenko?”

\- - -

“Garrus, stop that damn calibrating for a minute and talk to me!”

\- - -

There was nothing. No one who knew was talking, and those who tried to help him couldn't find a thing. Shepard resigned himself to the fact that as long as he had to play nice with Cerberus he couldn't really do anything more proactive about finding him.

But as soon as the Collectors were dealt with...

\- - -

“For what it's worth, I can relate,” Jacob said one day when they were chatting. “I lost my bondmate a few years back. That's why I left the Alliance, really. She died on another ship, star systems away, because they wouldn't let us serve together and... yeah.”

“I can't even imagine,” Shepard said. “We only had few weeks together... but at least we were together for all of that.”

“Yeah. We should have kept our mouths shut about the bonding. But... it was not exactly planned, we just shared an intense experience, almost dying, and our minds latched onto each other. The relationship came after, because knowing someone that well? You pretty much have to. It's not like you could be with someone else with them always in your head. I mean, shielding is pretty easy but sometimes it's hard to concentrate, if you know what I mean.”

Shepard grinned, and admitted he knew, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, and didn't say that he had never learnt how to shield. Of course, they had not had time to start wanting to be separate after decades of loneliness. And their bond was planned. 

Or maybe that was just one of those ways their bonding was unique. Wasn't the whole problem the rare intensity of the bond? 

_I'm here, Kaidan. I'm going to find you._

\- - - 

Everyone seemed to have an opinion about his relationship, and after having to keep it secret from everyone in the old Normandy, it was weird having it open and talked about.

Samara seemed fascinated and repulsed by his tie to just one man, concerned that too much of his focus was turned inside. Garrus seemed to view it as a distraction, too, but was willing enough to talk about it, using his contacts to try to find information. 

Grunt didn't have an opinion in the matter, which was refreshing. Zaeed never said anything, either, besides grumbling something about liabilities. But there was a disturbing amount of empathy in his eyes. Eye, whatever.

\- - -

Jack fascinated him. She was so incredibly powerful, and so incredibly fucked up. She confused him, too. She was screwing left and right, but was still so very alone, wearing that loneliness like another tattoo, that there was no way she was bonded. How did she avoid spontaneous bonding, then?

He didn't quite dare to ask, straight out, but the answer came out anyway. 

“Why are you so hung up on that damn man, anyway? Isn't it great to be alone in your head again?”

“Surprisingly, no. Once you've had that...”

“Well, not me.”

Shepard bit his tongue not to ask but she heard the question anyway.

“Because I can't! Okay? I'm so fucking damaged I can't do that!”

“I'm... sorry?”

“I'm not! I'm so fucking glad I can do what I want without worrying about some loser latching onto me like a fucking leech!”

“I am sorry for you, Jack,” he said, missing his fucking leech like a limb. “I would never have thought to want it but after I've had it... It's lonely in my head. So damn lonely it hurts.”

“Well boo-hoo. Go whine to someone who cares.” The words were vintage Jack, but the tone wasn't as harsh as she probably meant it to be.

\- - -

Thane understood his loss better than probably anyone on board, Jacob included, because Jacob hadn't loved his bondmate. Shepard often found his way into the drell's company, just to share the silence, the understanding, for a moment. 

_I can't wait for you to meet my new crew, Kaidan. They may not be quite what we used to have, but I think you'll like them._


	5. Chapter 5

Then the status quo changed. 

Miranda called Shepard to her cabin, but her manner was softer, somehow. This was clearly not business.

“I know you think I'm unsympathetic to your situation,” she said. “I'm not. I have a bondmate myself.”

This surprised him, he had to admit. She didn't seem like it but then, it's not something you could really see on the outside. Well, not on most bonds. 

“I know most people think bondings are something sexual but they don't need to be. I've had my bond ever since she was born. My sister, my twin.”

Of course Shepard agreed to help her save her sister from their father. He made it his business to help every member of his crew if he could. He would also never deny anyone help in reclaiming their bondmate. Even if the whole family member thing was new.

And damn if it wouldn't have been easier if Miranda had been more forthcoming with the facts from the beginning. Okay, so the twin sister was born much later than her. He would still help her – but it would have been nice to hear that when _not_ engaged in an armed confrontation with someone who wanted to kill them.

Miranda had to explain, after, and she explained the nature of their bonding, too. 

She blocked the bond so that her sister didn't even know about it, about her. Miranda could never meet Oriana's mind in case she found out. She didn't want her to be tied to her or their past in any way, didn't want to taint her mind with everything she had seen and done.

It sounded almost worse than the blackness in his own mind, knowing what she could have and denying them both the closeness. And what if either of them met someone they wanted to bond with? 

It felt wrong for her to deny her sister the bond without her choice but it was not really Shepard's place to say anything about it. Every bond was different, that much he had learnt, and as far as he was concerned, everyone's private affair.

But Miranda seemed different, afterwards. After she had let him see that vulnerability and caring in her... She treated him differently. Almost like a friend.

She called him to her cabin once again.

“Shepard... I may have something for you.”

“Yes?” He hardly dared to breathe.

“I've decided... the Illusive man is wrong about this. I know where your bondmate is kept.”


	6. Chapter 6

Shepard would be the first to admit that their mission had no tactical value in connection of their actual quest but he had been running around the galaxy fulfilling the promises Cerberus had made to his new crew mates as payment for their services, so he figured he was allowed a side mission himself. 

At least he had no shortage of volunteers. 

“Hey, Jack, wanna come break into a Cerberus facility?”

\- - -

Jack was the distraction, making things (and probably people) blow up just close enough to lure the guards out but not too close to be in any danger herself. Garrus was in position on an adjacent rooftop with his sniper rifle, just in case. He had a clear view of the doors too, so he could cover their escape in case of pursuit.

Shepard hoped there would be no pursuit – they had no way to tell how badly off Kaidan would be, and he didn't want to risk a chase with an unconscious bondmate in tow. That's why he took Kasumi with him, to hopefully sneak into the facility quietly.

He didn't want to expose Miranda's role in the operation, so they couldn't use her clearance to gain access, but Kasumi made breaking into places look deceptively simple. He had debated with himself over who to take along – Miranda and Jacob were both out because they were Cerberus. Not because he doubted their loyalty, not anymore, not after everything they had gone through together, but to keep them safe... and to keep their true loyalty a secret. 

Shepard had no doubt he would end up going against the Illusive Man before everything was done, and he wanted to keep the advantage of inside help as long as he could.

He'd probably need some help in carrying Kaidan out. He was taking Mordin along – he could use a doctor, and taking Chakwas was out of the question – he wanted someone knowledgeable checking Kaidan over. They might still have to transport Kaidan with a lot of medical paraphernalia if it was impossible to revive him instantly, as both Mordin and Chakwas had warned him might be the case. Still, the most obvious choices were impractical – he couldn't see Grunt sneaking in anywhere, and even Zaeed might get trigger happy. 

Samara was always a wild card, and despite vows of loyalty Shepard was always half-expecting her to go off in pursuit of justice at inconvenient times. No way was he risking Kaidan's health on someone he still wasn't sure he could fully trust. Tali was stronger than she looked, way stronger, but she still couldn't carry a grown man easily. 

Shepard hesitated the most about Thane. Not that he didn't like the assassin, or didn't feel confident in going to battle with the drell at his side, it was just... They had bonded over their respective losses – was it fair to ask him to help in regaining what he himself never could? 

Of course, in the end, Thane volunteered, taking the decision off Shepard's hands.

“It would be my honour to aid in reuniting you with your heart.”

That didn't sound like someone who was envious, so Shepard merely grasped his arm, and invited him on board.

\- - -

The plan went off without a hitch. The door was unguarded and Kasumi had them in in seconds. The first terminal yielded the location of the only patient in this supposed medical facility, and the small team made their way through mostly deserted corridors towards the treatment room.

There were no doctors, no nurses, very few guards. Shepard knew there had to be monitoring devices, no way were they careless with their charge, knowing Shepard's own life was tied to him. He had expected more staff, even though they had chosen the night time for the express purpose of keeping the crowds to minimum.

Another lock for Kasumi to breeze through, and finally, after what felt like an eternity of endless corridors, Shepard was finally able to see their target.

The room was filled with machinery, all of them quiet, blinking their messages in colourful lights, tubes going into the small shape in the metal bed. For a second Shepard was convinced they had been wrong, this couldn't be his Kaidan, the person was so small, so thin, so pale... But of course, he had spent the best part of the two past years unconscious, immobile.

They had even shaved his head, probably to make it easier to keep clean, and he looked so alien without his trademark hairdo.

Still, it was Kaidan, and he was the most beautiful sight Shepard had ever seen. He wanted to yank him off the bed, hug him close, but he feared hurting him. His skin looked like parchment, like the lightest touch would break it, and Shepard looked at Mordin, wordlessly.

The salarian didn't even notice, too busy reading the info on the machines, performing his own checks.

_Kaidan_ , Shepard called in his head, unable to produce a sound. No reaction. Not even a blink. He had almost expected his mere presence to be enough to rouse the man that was the other part of his soul.

Two years. Two years of existing as a little better than a corpse, with machines breathing for him, nourishing him, keeping the vessel alive in the hopes that one day the spirit might return. If he had known this was the price of their union...

He felt a touch on his shoulder. Kasumi had stepped closer to him, and her hooded face was filled with sympathy. She had also lost someone close to her, he remembered, and had had to make the decision to let him go again, even if only in memory.

Thane was keeping guard outside the door, but Shepard could almost feel him by his side. They weren't jealous of him, of this opportunity, he finally realised. They needed this happy ending for him for their own sakes as well. And he would embrace his second chance all the tighter, for them.

“I'm here, Kaidan. Let's get you home.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not even meant to be an accurate description of the medical issues - this is space science.

_I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..._

_Stop being sorry, you're giving me a headache._

_Kaidan!_

“How are you?” he asked out loud, getting up from the other bed in the medbay where he had been sitting, dejectedly, head against his upraised knees as he thought about everything the other man had gone through because of him.

“Confused,” came a quiet reply.

Shepard leaned over to rest their foreheads against each other, opened the bond fully, and just let the other man see everything that had happened over the two years. He nearly wept with joy for being able to do this again, to have this again. He got Kaidan's side of the story in return, his overwhelming grief, passing out in the evac shuttle, coming to next to his broken body, surrounded by strangers with guns, fighting back, then blacking out again to wake up here, now. 

There was joy, happiness, love, confusion, fear. Joy in Shepard's survival, happiness in the connection they had both believed lost in the moment of destruction and death, love, as always when this deep within each other's minds, confusion over the time passed, of their current location, fear over his own condition, of their present situation.

_I'm so sorry_ , Shepard repeated, retreating enough in the bond to get back from images and feelings to actual words. 

_You found me. We're here._

_I was so worried about what I am, what Cerberus brought back... but if we still have this, I have to be me, right?_

_You feel real enough to me._

_I'm so sorry to have robbed you of two years of your life._

_If I hadn't... blacked out, I would have had to live those two years thinking you dead._

_But you would have had a life._

_Without you? Without this? I... understand Rahna a bit better now. Her bond was new, and formed against her will, but... being alone in your head after you have tasted that togetherness..._

_I have been half a man without your conscious presence,_ Shepard admitted. 

“I should get Chakwas to check on you,” he said aloud.

“I'm here,” she said from the background. “I didn't want to interrupt.”

\- - -

There was nothing wrong with Kaidan beside the fact he hadn't moved or talked in almost two years. The Alliance facility he had been kept in had specialised in long term coma care, and daily exercise had kept his muscles from atrophying completely, and the Cerberus facility had done all they could to keep him in good physical health, to minimise the chance of his suffering reflecting poorly on Shepard's performance. 

Still, no amount of mechanical simulation and forced exercise could completely negate the ill-effects of continued stillness. After Chakwas okayed it, Shepard helped Kaidan up, and, supporting most his weight – and it was a shock how light he was, how much weight he'd lost – helped him take a few steps in the medbay. 

_In sickness and in health_ , he said, when he caught a stray thought to the tune of “he shouldn't have to waste his time on me on a time like this.”

_We never actually had a ceremony._

_Never even filed the paperwork. Does it make it less true?_

_Yeah, well, you are stuck with me for life. Holy hell, John..._ his thoughts became a jumble of images and feelings, and Shepard understood completely. He had to be so much more careful with his life from now on. Not that everything he did hadn't affected others – especially this man – even before but now... he would be directly responsible for his death if he...

_John..._

_Yeah. Wanna sit down?_

_Maybe I should._


	8. Chapter 8

Miranda asked Shepard to see her in her cabin after a few days. He had been stuck in the medbay ever since they had recovered Kaidan, and postponing their next mission by having his crew mine some minerals from nearby planets.

They needed raw materials for some ship enhancements, and he needed time with Kaidan. Nothing to feel guilty about.

“What do you want to do with him, Shepard?” Miranda asked, not unkindly, but all business.

“What do you mean, do?”

“Well, the Illusive Man had a point in wanting to keep him safe, even if his methods were... less than kind.”

“What are you suggesting?”

“There are many facilities that could accommodate him on Earth, or the Citadel – even Illium. Somewhere he could be taken care of and...”

“He doesn't need taking care of! He's not sickly. I'm not saying that I'll be taking him with me on the field, but there is no reason for him not to be on the ship!”

“But our mission is dangerous!”

“Yeah, and if I die, his life is over, no matter where he is.”

“Very well. Do you realise he is listed as 'missing' in his Alliance files? If he stays here, of his own free will, he could be accused of desertion.”

“Shit. I have to... think about this. Don't you dare mention a word of that to him.”

“Isn't he aware of everything you are?” Oh, right. Miranda had never let her own bond be open after her mate was a baby. She really didn't have an intimate understanding of how any of this worked.

“It doesn't work like that. When we are apart we only communicate if we choose to, and he can't see anything I don't consciously give him.”

“I see. There is so little known of biotic bonding, still, and your case... well, it's unique.” Again, the interest in her voice sounded scientific more than personal.

“We are very aware of that.”

\- - -

What he had told Miranda was true, of course, at least mostly. He didn't want to tell the woman Kaidan could look through his eyes if needed, and vice versa. If that wasn't generally known, or even possible, he wasn't going to let anyone in on it. From what he had heard from Jacob, his view of biotic communication was just talking, not transmitting images or memories over longer distances.

The other thing he had left out was the fact that when they were in skin contact it was very hard to keep their minds separate, and that every strong emotion was bound to bleed over. Kaidan would know of his worry the moment he touched him. 

Shepard plastered on a smile that turned real as soon as he saw his mate. Kaidan was fully dressed and sitting on the bed, looking bored. 

“Ready to go on an adventure?” Shepard asked.

“More than. Gonna show me the ship? Other than in your mind?”

“I thought I'd start with showing you my cabin.”

“And your etchings?”

“I don't know about that, but I can show you my fish.”

“Fish are good,” Chakwas said sternly. “We'll leave the etchings for later. Now remember, nothing strenuous. But if you're good, and only move within your own limits, you may spend the night there. As long as you both realise, strenuous means...”

“...no etchings?”

“Get out of my medbay, Commander.”

Kaidan walked under his own steam, even if slowly, and Shepard led him directly to the lift. Kaidan had had no visitors in the medbay, as per their requests, and the visits could wait until later. Kaidan didn't want their old friends to see him like this, nor did he want to meet anyone new until he had a little more strength. And Shepard was more than happy to keep him for himself for just a little longer.

“Wow. You really do have fish,” Kaidan said, pausing to admire the colourful display.

“Because Cerberus thought an aquarium was an essential part of a space ship. I had to buy my own fish, though.”

“And... model ships? I didn't know you were into them.”

“Me neither. But... long, silent nights. Had to think of something.”

“Is that a hamster, John?”

“Yeah, isn't she cute?”

“What were you thinking?”

“Come here and find out,” Shepard said, grinning, and resolutely only thought about the fish, the hamster and the model ships when Kaidan touched him. 

“Of course you did,” Kaidan said, dryly, as Shepard went through his memories of buying the animal. “Do you really call her Wrex?”

“She doesn't actually really have a name. I'm bad with names. You can help me come up with something.”

“Okay.”

“You want to sit down or lie down?”

“I hate to say it but lying down might be inevitable.”

Kaidan sat down on the edge of the bed and Shepard knelt down to take his boots off. He hated seeing the other man in Cerberus' clothes but that was all they had. That also reminded him of the problem they needed to talk about.

Well. He said 'talk'... He got up, and removed his own boots and shirt before helping Kaidan off his. Two years. He wanted to feel the warm skin against his, even if that was the only thing they could do. And Kaidan would know his thoughts the moment they touched, they hadn't had time to learn to control that. Maybe, in time, they could teach themselves to keep parts of them hidden, even when touching. Would be handy around December. And for birthdays. Hiding injuries... 

_Don't even think about it_ , the threat came through as clearly as the laughter, and Shepard pulled Kaidan down on the bed with him. 

_I saw Miranda_ , he said, and ran through the memory.

_Oh, right. Damn. You, of course, are dead... and went to see Anderson the first thing. And as a Spectre you have some leeway..._

_And Joker and Donnelly and Daniels are all officially not Alliance anymore. But you..._

_I... don't really want to join Cerberus. Sorry._

_I haven't, either. I'm just a... research project. I'm not officially an employee, nor will I ever be. For now, I am stuck using their resources – and the ship is damn fine – because the Council and the Alliance seem powerless against this Collector thing but afterwards..._

_It would be nice to have a place to go that wasn't Cerberus._

_Precisely. Maybe we should go see Anderson? I mean, I... we have some business on the Citadel anyway._ He went through Garrus' request in his head.

_Are you really going to let him shoot him?_

_Do you really need to ask?_

_Fair point. But what if Anderson asks me to come back?_

_What do you want to do?_

_Stay with you. This is an important mission, John. Even if I can't help..._

_Never think that._

_But I can't be much use in the field as I am. So maybe... I should go._

_Only if you want to. You know what I want._

_It's hard not to when you're projecting it straight to my brain._

_And I know you don't want to leave any more than I want you to... as long as we make it okay with the Alliance. So let's start with Anderson. He's both Council and Alliance, so... if someone can make you official, it's him. And if all else fails... hey, you were kidnapped by Cerberus. You'll just stay kidnapped by Cerberus!_


End file.
